This Is To Say That I Am Surviving, And Also Thank You Times A Lot

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I made the pumpkin scones. And they were cute, though I’m not going to bother you with the recipe. I’m still on the hunt for perfect pumpkin scones…scones to bring me back to the Greenmarket on Union Square circa 2007, scones bursting with golden raisins, pecans, crystallized ginger and pure, unadulterated autumn. If you have any leads, I’m open. And um, also, I can only say that I must be doing better if I can soliloquize my thoughts on scones rather than torrenting anguish all over the place.

Better is a relative term. I am considerably less miserable this week than last. A lot of lucky stars are being thanked. Do I think it will last? Nothing lasts–who even came up with that question? But I have a learned a few useful things.

For instance, even though change (read: unwanted, highly undesired, horribly unwelcome change) is a major bitch, there are things that help. All you people coming out of the woodworks to tell me your stories, say that you hear me, and send so much love–that does wonders. Also, crawling out of my small hovel of personal anguish to actually talk to my family, to tell them I love them, to commiserate that things are weird and messed-up but also necessary–that does wonders too. Nobody’s doing marvelously. And we’re not together physically, or legally, or emotionally in ways we have been in the past. But we are in this together, and we are all surviving.

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Making space for new understanding in this cramped-up body and brain is no easy thing. But letting go is the lesson of the day, and that does nothing if not make space. I was hoping to say something profound about the moon and changing times, but mostly I’m just grateful to be getting by, grateful for your care, and making wishes to be as vast and open as the sky, that no amount of anguish can knock me down ‘cuz the impact blows right through. One of these days, yo’, one of these days…

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5 thoughts on “This Is To Say That I Am Surviving, And Also Thank You Times A Lot

  1. Dear Jourdie,
    I read the post about your parents separating, and have been meaning to write after that. Then I just read this one and knew I had to write asap. Your other post touched me deeply and this one did too.
    Yes, things change and it is so important to try to keep in mind that people’s relationships have a life of their own. There are the 2 (or more) and then the third entity – the relationship. And why we connect and grow with one person at one point in life, changes as we grow into another area/point in life. Transitions are never easy. I heard Marianne Williamson talk about change as giving birth. And giving birth to anything is not easy – there is a huge struggle as the new form emerges to give itself form.
    My Mom divorced twice in my life. What made it so much of a struggle for me was her emotional remoteness. She and I are opposites when it comes to the emotional life. She cannot understand me. It has taken me years (and tons of therapy) to understand, accept and learn healthy ways to manage my feelings about this and my reactions. Understanding her background, as I would any friend, was tremendously helpful. I knew she loved me, know she loves me, but I could not feel it. Now that she is 82, the walls are JUST softening a teeny bit. AMAZING.
    Perhaps there is a parallel.
    So as your friend, I want to say that you are a very remarkable woman, artist and embarking on a huge adventure of your life with tremendous courage and awareness. Being an artist is challenging in this world. We need alone time, deep connection and forms of self expression, unlike others. You have a huge family….we are truly there in all ways for you. I hope you can have moments of comfort in knowing how loved and supported you truly are.
    My love, thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Much love to you,
    Lauren

    • Gah, thank you so much! It’s exactly this kind of thing that brings the light back in when it is needed. To know that we all have weight to carry in the business of being human keeps me from lapsing too deeply into self-absorption. 🙂 Your points on being an artist are perfectly-stated. I am learning to work with these facets of myself as vulnerabilities but also tools to look after rather than burdens to bear.

      Thank you so much for your love and kindness and open heart.

  2. If two individuals are constantly nagging each other and think the best way to have peace is to drift apart, one can not complain. But the relationship and others in the family circle suffer as well. Change is tough. But there is invariably a silver lining somewhere – may be in a new relationship which could be on its way!

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